Who wants to know?

I worried that seeing Isa when the way he looking so trapped would give Ally nightmares. It hasn’t, but she insists on checking every inch of the house before she sleeps, as if there are monsters hiding in the pantry or behind the bookshelves. She makes Jeff look, too, and makes Toby sniff around. She also refuses to sleep unless she knows someone’s with Isa. It’s making work difficult, since her bedtime is eight. Several times, she’s slept in our bed while I worked, and piled stuffed animals around him. Protecting him, she says.

 

The fact that she thinks my being with him would be any protection is just a reminder that she’s too innocent for anything that’s happened.

 

I wouldn’t even want to go to the room, in case I woke her. So I’ve been coming to bed much earlier--I brought my work a few times, but Isa isn’t exactly fond of that. Jeff offered to stay in the room with Isa at night until I came, but Isa doesn’t want to keep him awake. Honestly, I think Jeff would sleep on the floor like a guard dog if it made Ally a little happier, or Isa a little safer.

 

We all agreed to try to make this have as little effect on Isa as possible; Jeff says he’s already gotten it into his head that it’s his fault she’s scared. I wish he’d tell me about it, but no, I find out from Jeff or I don’t know at all. But the fact that he keeps telling Ally not to let Isa know they’re searching the house is ridiculous.

 

He probably knows anyway.
 

 

( Clearly, no one understood the familial bonds of friendship more than small children. )

And two of them involve Jeff.

It's all his fault, too. Honestly, he's like a puppy when he's around Isa. The way he used to treat Isa was the reason I hated him in the first place, but now he's...I honestly can't even picture him not hanging on Isa's arm without big sad puppy eyes being involved.

And then there's how he is with Ally. You know, Isa took care of a boy named Nathanial and Jeff barely spoke to him, but he can spend hours playing with her. He doesn't even seem to get tired.

I never have time to play with her. She can entertain herself--she has Toby and now Ishmael and a mountain of stuffed animal and one doll, a baby that she named Little Monster, and she jumps rope and plays hopscotch and she has a lot of little friends she can play with--but she wants to play with the family, and...I won't let myself be too busy to swing with her, and I'll always do my work at the park instead of the house if she wants to go, but that's not the same as taking two hours to play hide-and-seek and hot-and-cold and all the other games she likes. And recently she's started wanting to play stuffed animals with other people, though she's very nervous about letting people touch Little Monster.

I still remember the first time I came home to find Isa boiling pasta and Ally showing Jeff some of Toby's tricks. She didn't even know who they were. I've told her that if strangers break into the house, she should turn invisible, sneak out, and have one of our neighbors call the police. She can recite those instructions like the ABC's, but following them is a whole different story. It used to scare the shit out of me, but now I know she's safe all the time.

There are people who can raise children all by themselves, even on minimum wage--they just work minimum wage jobs. I knew a painter whose wife left him, and he was a great dad. If there's one thing Jeff and Isa have taught me, it's that I should not be raising children on my own. I don't know how I've managed this long. Even food--I want her to have healthy, natural food, but I can't cook a thing.

It's actually ridiculous how helpful they are. Ally's always been messy with her clothes, but Isa's shown her how to fold. Now she's so proud of knowing how to do it. She wants to fold everyone's clothes. And then Isa refolds them when she isn't looking, except Jeff's. He doesn't care how wrinkled his clothes are.

We were playing Monopoly last night and Ally stood up and said, "we have the best family ever."

She may have the best dad ever, but when you throw in me and Jeff, there are so many reasons that shouldn't be true I could write a novel on it.

But I guess it is true, isn't it?

...I can't believe I'm part of a family that includes Jeff.

YES. It is completely fucking unfair to transfer your own religious beliefs onto everyone else, and creating laws with a religious basis essentially does that. If there is a single country in the world where everyone has the exact same religion, they're either forcing everyone to believe in it or driving out everybody who won't, because there is just no way everyone is going to agree.

The only laws that should have any sort of religious aspect are laws forbidding religious discrimination, defacing of holy sites, and forcing people to do things their religion dictates against (assuming that in itself isn't discrimination; for example, if someone refuses to insemenate gay couples, he should try a different career.)

Come back.

Right now.

Or better yet, tell me where to go and GET YOUR ASS THERE RIGHT NOW.

You really want to save money on gas? TURN OFF THE FUCKING CAR.

Oh, sure, there's other stuff--cleaning your car helps aerodynamics, turning off the air conditioning is always a plus, and doing all your shopping in one swoop helps too--but the fact of the matter is, YOU CAN WALK. And you can take a bus. You want to save money? SAVE THE DAMN GAS.

And for future references? Getting on your knees and praying for lower gas prices is bullshit. If there's a God, he's clearly not doing it. Maybe because you're destroying the world he created. Think about that.

And if you live in a hot place, turn off the dryer. It's really not that much effort to hang your clothes.

[OOC: God, I love using Rita. Technically, as a journalist, she could give a whole long shpiel on this whole thing, and articulately too, but she lacks the patience and I lack the skill. :P]

1. Choose a few of your own characters. Five at the most.

2. Then make them answer the following questions

 

Rita is a workaholic stress-case who happens to have some compassion to her. Book Three Rita is still a workaholic stress case, but now she’s a Mommy and she doesn’t drink (Book One Rita borders on alcoholic.)

Jeff is an overly talkative cop and a bit of an asshole, albeit an outgoing and cheerful asshole. Book Three Jeff is overly talkative, outgoing, and cheerful, but he’s less of an asshole (still annoying as all fuck) and he now has one working eye.

Isa’s life has been shit. And he’s deathly lonely. That’s really all you need to know. Book Three Isa is just as compassionate and has had just as bad a life, but he has Jeff chattering to him constantly so the loneliness is cured.

Natana is sexy sex, but her body is not equipped for actual sex. She is, however, a great dancer.

Greg is bright and cheerful and loyal as a puppy, and to top it all off he is gloriously batshit.

How Old Are You?

 

Book One Rita: Early thirties

Book Three Rita: Nearly forty

 

Book One Jeff: Twenty-one, got a problem with that?

Book Three Jeff: Twenty-seven

 

Book One Isa: I am not certain…(As of 2008 he's twenty-four, but his age is based on actual events, so in 2009 he'd be twenty-five, in 2010 twenty-six, and so on. If the book ever gets published, it probably won't be until 2010 or even 2011, and that works for me because he's supposed to be closer to Rita's age than Jeff's.)

Book Three Isa: I don’t really know. Thirty? (Author says: thirty-one, but see above disclaimer. And as for why he aged seven years while Jeff aged six, Isa’s twenty-fifth birthday was in the second book.)

 

Natana: Nineteen. Been legal for over a year.

 

Greg: Eighteen

Height

Rita: 5’11”

Jeff: 5’7”, but I WILL RISE

Isa: I’ve never actually measured (5’9”-ish. He’d be six feet if he had been nourished properly.)

Natana: Six feet. *Smile*

Greg: Tall

You got any bad habits?

Rita: No. (She’s overworked. And in book one, she drinks too much coffee and lacks the patience to warm up food.)

Jeff: I have no idea what you’re talking about. Why would I have any bad habits? I mean, really. I’m not particularly sarcastic and I certainly don’t talk too much, in fact I consider myself rather quiet, don’t you?

Isa: I’ve never really had the opportunity to develop bad habits perse

Natana: I think about sex all the time. I’m not even kidding. And I break into dance or a run at random intervals, and always feel like touching people, and drape myself over people instead of sitting on chairs. Luckily, those are all very good habits.

Greg: Do I?

You a virgin?

Book One Rita: That’s none of your goddamn business

Book Three Rita: Oh, definitely. Ally came on a stork. (Ally=her daughter. Virgin=fuck no.)

 

Book One Jeff: *Smirk* Are you coming on to me?

Book Three Jeff: *Smirk* Are you coming on to me?

 

Book One Isa: What sort of question is that? I am, but it is hardly any of your concern.

Book Three Isa: No. What sort of question is that?

 

Natana: Only because I can’t have sex. *Grumble*

 

Greg: *Shyly* Uh-huh

Who's your Mate/Spouse?

Book One Rita: Like I have time for that.

Book Three Rita: None at the moment. *Glances at Isa*

 

Book One Jeff: Wouldn’t you like to know?

Book Three Jeff: *Grins big and hugs Isa, who stares at him like he’s nuts*

 

Book One Isa: None

Book Three Isa: Well, at the moment I’m not—Jeff, get off of me

Natana: None right now. Someday. Soon, maybe.

Greg: Just good friends right now.

Have any kids?

 

Book One Rita: *Glare* No

Book Three Rita: Yes. *Fond smile at Ally*

 

Book One Jeff: HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

Book Three Jeff: HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

Book One Isa: *Wistful* None of my own.

Book Three Isa: *Looks uncomfortable* Well, yes. She’s a charming girl, but—

Book Three Jeff: He won’t tell her he’s her father because apparently he’s ASHAMED. It’s sickening.

Book Three Isa: I also have Jeff. Surely he counts.

 

Natana: Can’t.

 

Greg: Nope.

Favorite Food?

Book One Rita: Pad thai

Book Two Rita: Dark chocolate

 

Book One Jeff: MEAT

Book Three Jeff: MEAT. Also, that pizza Isa makes without cheese.

Isa: It is not pizza.

Jeff: IT COUNTS

 

Book One Isa: I’m rather fond of dark chocolate, though I can’t really have it. I enjoy most foods.

Book Three Isa: *Longingly names some Kurdish dish, then adds that he enjoys most foods*

 

Natana: Biryani! And kukra no sak! And chicken tacos! And masala macchi!

 

Greg: Chinese food. Especially with chicken.

Favorite Ice Cream flavor?

Book One Rita: Why are you wasting my time with questions about ice cream?

Book Three Rita: My daughter’s favorite flavor is mint chocolate chip. We usually share, since she’s too young for much, even if it’s a kid’s scoop.

 

Jeff: Ugh, ice cream. I’m getting a toothache just thinking about it.

 

Isa: I’ve never had ice cream, actually.

 

Natana: Pistachio kulfi with cardamom.

 

Greg: I like a lot of flavors. Especially if there’s caramel.

Killed anyone?

Book One Rita: *Revolted look* No

Book Three Rita: No, but I’ve tried

 

Book One Jeff: Nope. Surprised, aren’t you?

Book Three Jeff: Unfortunately, I haven’t managed

 

Book One Isa: Never

Book One Jeff: Liar

Book One Isa: It’s true. I wouldn’t…

Book Three Isa: *Pained expression* I didn’t mean to…I didn’t realize…

 

Natana: I wish.

 

Greg: No, but people think I did.

Hate anyone?

Book One Rita: People who ask stupid questions like this. And that cop.

Book Three Rita: Those fucking agents making Isa’s life miserable. As if he doesn’t have enough misery.

 

Book One Jeff: Terrorists. *Glares at Isa*

Book Three Jeff: I’m with Rita on this.

Book One Isa: No

Book Three Isa: No

 

Natana: Homophobes piss me off. And racists. Bigots in general.

 

Greg: *Growl* My dad

Any secrets?

Book One Rita: Fuck off.

Book Three Rita: Most people don’t know who Ally’s dad is.

 

Book One Jeff: *Sweet smile*

Book Three Jeff: Not really. My identity and stuff, but some people know.

 

Book One Isa: Some.

Book Three Isa: Ally does not know I am her father.

Love anyone?

 

Book One Rita: No

Book Three Rita: Of course I love Ally

Book Three Jeff: And Isa

Book Three Rita: Shut up

 

Book One Jeff: MEAT MEAT MEAT

Book Three Jeff: Isa

Book Three Isa: *Rolls eyes*

Book Three Jeff: And Ally. She’s such a little cutie.

 

Book One Isa: Lots of people. My Brothers and Nathanial and Jeff’s dog and a few others.

Book One Jeff: Like your fellow TERRORISTS? Oh, wait, those are your ‘Brothers.’

Book Three Isa: Well, I love Ally, of course. And Jeff and Rita, I suppose. And Toby and Ishmael. And I still love all the people I’ve been separated from, or who have died.

 

Natana: Daddy

 

Greg: My sister and my friends

What is your job?

Book One Rita: Executive of Finance Management

Book Three Rita: I was a journalist. I’m on a leave of absence from the actual journalist job, but I’m owner and manager of the city newspaper, and Chief Editor of the state’s main newspaper.

 

Book One Jeff: Cop

Book Three Jeff: Not a dime or a job to my name

 

Book One Isa: I can’t have a job in this country. I used to build houses, and I’m a healer, but I never did either for money

Book Three Isa: I’ve been a firefighter and I’ve worked at some restaurants. Right now I’m taking care of Nikki.

 

Natana: I get paid for dancing. Not much, but what college student gets paid much?

 

Greg: None

Boy or girl?

Rita: Woman

Jeff: Slime. And boy.

Isa: Man

Natana: Funny story…

Greg: Boy

What do you do to relax?

 

Book One Rita: I don’t need to relax! I do drink sometimes, to help myself sleep, but relaxing is a waste of time

Book Three Rita: *Shrug* I swing sometimes

 

Book One Jeff: Are you kidding? My life is so relaxing. I get to shoot things and eat at a diner

Book Three Jeff: Annoy Rita ^_*

 

Book One Isa: I walk most days. I used to help garden.

Book Three Isa: Play piano or play with Nikki, or listen to Jeff chatter.

 

Natana: Dance. Run. I have other things in mind, most days.

 

Greg: No stress here! *g*

What song do you think would best describe yourself?

Rita: This is the stupidest question in the world

Jeff: I’ve always been partial to Play That Funky Music, White Boy

Isa: I don’t believe I know many songs in your language.

Natana: Sexy sexy sexy

Greg: I’m too crazy to fit songs

Any hidden talents or something no one else knows about you?

Rita: Talent. What bullshit. Either you work hard or you’ve got nothing.

Jeff: I think everyone knows how well I can shoot.

Isa: A few.

Natana: People know. *Wink* Oh, but I can transport people, and me, when I dance. Most people don’t know that part.

Greg: I can talk to spirits. I used to be able to see them.

What color is your hair?

Book One Rita: Dark blonde

Book Three Rita: Dyed black

 

Book One Jeff: Plain ole brown! =D

Book Three Jeff: *Grumble* Dyed blonde *grumble* I MISS MY HAIR, DAMN IT.

Isa: Black

 

Natana: Dark brown. It looks black.

What's your sexual orientation?

Rita: Straight.

Jeff: NO SUCH THING.

Isa: I prefer women…I haven’t had many (Book One: any) relationships, though.

Natana: Just boys for me, or maybe other hermaphrodites, but I’ve never actually met one.

Greg: I like everybody.

Now you've done it.

 Apparently, Rita did not like the suggestion that she had not worn a miniskirt until she was past thirty (why, I can’t imagine.)

 

Rita: I lived in Thailand for four months. Miniskirts weren't considered mini.

Jeff: What about miniskirts so tight you need zippers up the side because from the back it would highlight—*here Rita was kind enough to hit me over the head with a briefcase.*

Rita: Could you please focus on your boyfriend's ass instead of mine?

Jeff: Isa looks like porn in black jeans. BAGGY black jeans. Besides, he LOVES that little sidezip skirt

*Here Isa has a nosebleed and lies about it*

Isa: I find that skirt extremely inappropriate, actually.

Jeff: Oh, but you know which one I'm talking about!

Natana: Give up, Hon. Your boyfriend's clearly not letting this go.

Isa: I have never lost an argument with Jeff.

Jeff: Well, there was that one time...

Isa: What one time?

Jeff: The time you were moaning too hard to keep arguing

Isa: Your...method...was hardly fair for an argument.

Jeff: Hey, YOU could use it anytime and I'd never complain.

Isa: If a suicidal person offered to let you kill them, would it be all right for them to kill you?

 

Now, obviously this is NOTHING AT ALL related to suicide. Well, putting the conversation up may be.

Oh God.

Most days, Isa takes a nap. I assumed it was because he's really sensitive to sound when he sleeps--he can sleep in really uncomfortable positions, but open the door or take one step and he bolts awake. Which I can't blame him for; wouldn't you be skittish if you had his life? Plus there's Jeff, who I can't imagine lets him have a full night's sleep. And as annoying as Jeff's insatiability is (I'm happy for him and all, but there is such a thing as restraint), Isa is very attractive when he sleeps.

ANYWAY.

Today he just...started screaming. It was a nightmare, I guess, but he wasn't kicking the way you do in a nightmare. He was squirming around, but his arms were tight at his sides, and he...he screamed and screamed and screamed. I couldn't wake him up. Jeff couldn't either. I had to take Nikki because she started crying, and I left her with my friend who agreed to take her to the park. When I came back, Jeff was holding him. He was still asleep, and he had stopped screaming, but he was shaking and gasping and every couple seconds he thrashed or let out a moan. There were tears all over his face--or maybe it was Jeff's sweat.

If it was a one-time thing I would have understood. I mean, it's not like Isa acts as if he's a bomb about to go off, but he's in pain. What really scares me is that Jeff, while looking concerned, still shrugged (or attempted to shrug) and said "it happens sometimes."

What's sometimes? It doesn't happen at night, or it doesn't now, and it didn't when he lived with me. When we slept together he sometimes moaned or caught his breath sharply, but I'd come closer or touch him and he'd calm down. But I worked even more then than I do now. For all I know he had these fits every fucking day, and there was no one around to hold him.

And he isn't acting different at all, meaning whatever nightmares he has happens a lot. Or maybe it means he's even a better actor than I thought.

I wish he'd talk about this. I know I'm not nice like Nicole was or lovable like Nikki is or his partner like Jeff is, and I know I'm not good at holding or comforting or really doing anything except sitting around and, well, being worthless, but...

I'm being ridiculous.

[The author would just like to mention that the context of this message can be found in the comments for Jeff's last post.]

This whole "I have not been a father and I am not helping anyone and everyone around me keeps getting hurt" thing? It has to stop.

You are not a burden on anyone. You are not hurting anyone. What IS IT that makes you so guilty?

[Addition by Jeff]It's more than you not being a burden. Do you honestly think we're nice people who've been helping you out of the milk of human kindness? We've done shit for you compared to what you've done to us. Look at us. I remember what I used to be like; I like myself a lot better this way. And you probably added thirty years to Rita's life.[/addition by Jeff]

I realize you are a remarkably good actor and brilliant at hiding emotions that you do not deserve to have. This also has to stop. You are not complaining by talking about your problems once a year. At least you're talking to Jeff about it, which--never mind.

[Note from Jeff]I edited out a whole lot of grumbling and avoidance and and blatant denial. We all know Rita hates wasting time, after all. Of course, she still copped out on most of them.[/note from Jeff]

 

1. The guy you would take to meet your parents: …I might take Jack just to spite my father.

2. The one girl you would do: And why exactly would I only sleep with one girl? Just because I’m a woman I’m suddenly totally opposed to sleeping with a female? Did the writer of this not consider that they may be dealing with a lesbian? If I have trouble putting down a woman, it’s because of age. [Note from Jeff]That’s what she wrote, but she said a lot more. I think the fact that everything here is guy got to her, because I have gathered that Claire or Alice or Judith would all be candidates if it weren’t for the age and Rita being Rita. And that apparently she likes this Ismaili woman who she’s friends with. We should get Rita in angry-bleeding-heart mode more often.[/note from Jeff]

3. The guy you'd have sex with in your parents’ bed: Isa

4. The girl you'd take to the mall: My daughter.

5. Your male BFF: I kind of like Brian.

6. Your female BFF: Claire is the only reasonable female around here.

7. Your gay BFF: Ah…I don’t know the orientations of most people here.

8. The guy who'd take you to prom: Proms are an enormous waste of time. And I am almost forty, for the love of humanity. (Note from author: this whole journal is, for the One Last Star folks, almost seven years after the beginning of One Last Star)

9. Your big brother: I’m the oldest person here.

10. The guy you'd marry: [Edit from Jeff because she wouldn’t answer the damn thing]I-FUCKING-SA[/edit from Jeff because she wouldn’t answer the damn thing]

11. The two guys you'd have a threesome with: …I suppose if Jeff and I were both with Isa and he didn’t actually touch me, it would be all right.

12. The girl and guy you'd have a threesome with: Finn and Judith.

13. The guy you'd go clubbing with: That would be a lovely excuse to smash Jeff’s head.

14. The guy you'd have angry hot sex with: …[Edit from Jeff]It’s David. Seriously. He is perfect for hot angry sex.[/edit from Jeff]

15. The girl you'd call after a break-up: Iya

16. The guy you'd have sex with when no one else is around: [Edit from Jeff]Jack! Hey, that fucking hurt! At least I didn’t put myself.[/edit from Jeff]

17. The guy you'd have sex with when you're cheating on your hubby/boyfriend: I’m currently single.

18. The guy you'd tell all your secrets: Brian (note from the author: everyone tells their secrets to Brian. 8D)

19. The person you'd commit a murder with: Jeff, or perhaps Natana

20. The boy you'd go to the gym with: Why does this one say boy? Does it have to be someone very young? Jeff, I suppose.

21. Your shoulder to cry on: I don’t need to cry on anyone’s shoulder. [Edit from Jeff]See what a liar she is?[/edit from Jeff]

22. The guy you'd ask to beat up your cheating boyfriend: Why on EARTH would I do something like that?

23. The guy you'd always come back to: Well, I suppose—shut up, Jeff—yes, it’s Isa.

24. The guy you'd die for: Isa

25. The guy who'd get you pregnant: This one is blatantly obvious and I think we all know it.

Jeff is suddenly obsessed with these "meme" things. Furthermore, he is obsessed with making Isa and me do these "meme" things.

An utter waste of time, but Jeff convinced her it would be funny, so she begged me. That ass. (Jeff, not my girl.)

Disorder	Rating	Information
Paranoid:	Moderate	click for info
Schizoid:	Very High	click for info
Schizotypal:	Moderate	click for info
Antisocial:	Very High	click for info
Borderline:	High	click for info
Histrionic:	Low	click for info
Narcissistic:	Low	click for info
Avoidant:	Low	click for info
Dependent:	Low	click for info
Obsessive-Compulsive:	High	click for info

 

Level	Who are sent there?	Score
Purgatory	Repenting Believers	Very Low
Level 1 - Limbo	Virtuous Non-Believers	Low
Level 2	Lustful	Moderate
Level 3	Gluttonous	Very Low
Level 4	Prodigal and Avaricious	Very Low
Level 5	Wrathful and Gloomy	Extreme
Level 6 - The City of Dis	Heretics	Very High
Level 7	Violent	High
Level 8- the Malebolge	Fraudulent, Malicious, Panderers	High
Level 9 - Cocytus	Treacherous	High